Anxiety

Almost midnight here yet I am awake and a bundle of nerves. I haven't been sleeping well lately just so many thoughts, questions, fears, and excitement building up that I can't seem to funnel in to something positive. You all know me and how anxious I can become. It is no secret that the last several years I struggled at times even with the help of medication. I guess that is just a personality trait that I have that seems to have become more of a problem in recent years. Makes sense if you think about it. Childhood,at least mine, was pretty easy so even though I think the trait has always been there it has become more pervasive in recent years. I fought the idea of medication for a long time. I think there is just a stigma there that I was afraid of but I have come to accept that it helps me function as a real person and more importantly a mother. Not to mention it is nice to have all you who accept me just the way I am. Crazy or not:)

So lets see what is om my mind tonight that is ridiculous and causing me to stay up this late. Maybe if I blog it out I can get some sleep. Here is a short list. Please laugh with me because when I have these panic attacks sometimes it is the only way to keep from crying;)

How much damage can Obama do to this country in 4 years??? I am guessing quite a bit with most of it being to my pocket book.

Why in the world is my heart burn back? Maybe I have a heart issue? Maybe a valve prolapse? Or maybe I watch way too much Grey's Anatomy??? You think?

Am I damaging my children by moving them? Oh come on I know what you are all thinking. I have probably damaged already letting them watch so much Noggin. Hey, somedays I praise God for Noggin!

Is the inspector going to pass our roof? Yeah I know we would have to get a contract before worrying about that. You know what on second thought we might need to list the house first? Hmmm...

Those spiders on the history channel were creepy. Maybe they live in the basements in PA just like all those ghosts you have been watching Tammy? LOL

Do you see how ridiculous and ludicrous these thoughts get?

In one of my previous blogs I wrote about how I always have a plan for everything. Well let me tell you it is really easy to have a plan for everything when you stay up half the night exploring every possible turn a situation can take. It also means you will be exhausted in the morning and probably make your children late for school.

Pray for me.

By Your Side

I heard this song for the first time a few weeks ago and quickly hunted down the group who recorded it on You Tube. This has got to be the song that has spoken to me more than any other in the last month and I have downloaded it on to my ipod, computer, and it is currently the ring on my cell. Thank you to Tenth Avenue North for a wonderful song that speaks in the depth of my soul.

My favorite verses are the following:

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Isn't that just like so many of us?

The other day I just stood for a moment in the middle of Target with this song playing in my head and watched all the people around me. Most of them never noticed me and I thought about how much time, just like them, I spend a day striving towards goals that are unrealistic and pointless. How much time do I spend trying to earn love and grace that is so easily attained and has already been given to me by our Heavenly Father? Why do I do this when I should just embrace Him and receive that love? I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to be anything. I just have to embrace the love He gives so freely. You know my friends, no one else in this world can do that for you. No one else can love you so deeply, purely and unconditionally and so many of us refuse it and fight it. Christians and non-Christians alike. We struggle and try to find it in our spouse, children, parents, etc and it simply isn't there because all those people, no matter how much we love them and they love us, are imperfect beings. Jesus is perfect and so is his love! So join me and just try to embrace it. Thank God that He is always right there beside you, loving you just the way you are.

Changes

It has been 15 months now since David started looking for a new job and on Monday he accepted an offer. The weird thing is the interviews, offer, etc from start to finish only took about 2 weeks. There are other positions that it has taken weeks, even months for it all to come together only for us to turn it down in the end but when we started praying consistently and fervently about this one name kept coming to my mind repeatedly. I told David of my thought and sure enough here we are.

David is giving his two weeks this coming Monday and from there he has 4-6 months of training before we will make the move to the Pittsburgh, PA area. I am excited, anxious, and sad all at the same time. It is going to be really tough leaving our family and friends but I have peace of mind that this is where God wants us to be for now.

I have pleaded and prayed that God would show us the way and help us choose the right place and in the end this just felt right.

So much seriousness that I have to tell you there were some humorous moments. My favorite was...

"I talked to Don and he had two places in mind". David

"Uhmmm".(distracted) Amy

"PA or Cairo." David

"Cairo???". (extremely confused) Amy

"Yeah." (excitedly)David

"...as in Egypt???". Amy

Insert lots of silence and then me saying something about needing that idea to sink in for a while as I ran out the door.

And yes for those who read this and wondered we did seriously research it and entertain the idea. In the end we thought moving out of the state first might be a good trial run before ever committing to living that far away. And it in all honesty buys me lots of time to help David convince Don that he could work 4 week on 2 weeks off or something of that nature because lets face it folks I would love to keep my feet on American soil.

Lord I pray tonight that you give David and me peace within ourselves that you are leading us and will be with us wherever we go. Please watch over us C, S, and J and help us help them make this an easy transition. Please help our families as they struggle to find peace also. In your name, Amen.

Please pray for us. Specifically that...

Our house sells quickly and easily.
That I help the girls transition as smoothly as possible.
That David travels safely.
That God will continue to guide us.

Be still...

I often find myself only finding time to blog in the middle of the night. The house is finally quiet except for the rhythmic breathing of the kids and David's annoying, yet somehow comforting snore. It is in these moments I find myself most reflective of the day and finally taking in every little moment that we all had together.

Tonight I was laying in bed watching my favorite Sunday night show "Brothers and Sisters". After it ended I wondered what's next? God spoke to me unexpectedly, as he often does, "Be still and know that I am here". I thought ok this had got be good, God is speaking to me clearly, this is what I have been waiting for! So I waited and...nothing. To say I was dissappointed doesn't even begin to explain how I felt. So I rolled out of bed and started talking to God, dissappointed that he hadn't revealed an answer to my recent questions that I have been hounding him about lately. I am nothing if not persistent when I want something. It wasn't until much later that I felt him speak to my heart again asking "Isn't it enough to know I am with you?". OK. He got me. I have been struggling with God lately. I have been looking for and asking questions and He has been very quiet. As you may have guessed silence wasn't in my plan and I have been frustrated with this silence. In that moment I realized it is enough that He is beside me if I just let it be.

I have been reading an interesting blog the last few days and would suggest it to anyone. It is written by Angie Smith and it is titled "Bring the Rain". I will probably blog about it more in detail at a later time but for now let me just say that she has an amazing walk to share.

The thing that most intrigued me was when she talked about her plan versus God's plan. Uh-oh this can't bee good? Yes all my friends I know what you are thinking "Don't mess with Amy's plan." I have a plan for everything the hour, the day, the year, etc. And if the first one doesn't work out I probably have at least 3 other back ups and if those don't work just give me five minutes. I am type A and I like things my way. I want my expectations always met and unfortunately God doesn't work that way. He has a plan all of His own and it is always plan A.

The Journey

The last few months David and I have struggled and asked God's guidance in our life as we tried to understand where he wanted us to be. This past year has brought several job inquiries into our life and has left me asking the question "What is God's plan for us?".

I never thought that I would end up back in Victoria and would be lying if I said I was full and ready to come back to this town. Never the less, God had the perfect plan for us and placed us here just at the perfect time! I have been fortunate because of His plan to be able to stay at home with my babies and be the full time mom I desired.

I remember this because even though everything right now seems so chaotic and uncertain I am sure that He has a plan in store for our family. The hardest part of the plan is being patient and letting Him lead us while it unfolds.

I am sad at the thought of leaving good friends and nervous at the prospect of being tossed into a new place where it is necessary for me to try and establish me and the kiddos. The great thing is that He will walk beside me every step of the way. Life is a journey and it is fun, scary, exciting, and sad all at the same time. Right now please encourage me as I set my eyes on him and let him lead our family in his perfect plan.

Nothing is certain...

... in life except for our Creator and His love for us.


I received word today that seems to tell me that David's job is in jeopardy of fading away relatively soon. My first instinct of course is to be scared to death and worried for the financial security of our family. My next instinct is to run to God. I know, not exactly the order in which He would prefer me to think but I am seriously flawed in this area of my life.

You see I like to be in charge of, well everything. I have prided myself all my life in making in things happen. Just tell me one thing you think I can't do and I am out to prove you wrong in a heartbeat. Can't become a serious drill team member when I never danced before? Watch me. Can't pull a 4.0 off after a 1.7 semester? Did it. Can't graduate in this day and time in three in a half years from college? The head of the business department at Southwest Texas wished he had never challenged me. I was a force to be reckoned with when I wanted something, but over the years that has somewhat changed. Don't get me wrong I am still strong willed and "difficult", yeah substitute a word "here" for your personal description. I am learning however that I am not in control and in all reality don't want to be. I know God's plan is much better than mine even though my stubbornness still sometimes gets in the way.

So today as we receive unsettling news on the job front my initial reaction was to tell David to start looking and my second was to pray to Jesus to help guide us and present the opportunity that is in his plan. I continue to work on my anxiety and incessant need to worry and pray that Jesus will lead us to the place He has planned for us and provide for our family both physically and spiritually, as only He can.